At age of thirty three a women should be happy and free. She shoulod have a life all her own not relying on the ones at home. She should be out on her own doing what it is that makes her happiness shine the best. Enjoying her life and settled down in a nice safe place. Not homeless or stuck in transitions of life. Not a mother without a man in her life. Life is not fair at times you see, but this is true I am thirty-three and a mother of three unexpectadly. However I have accepted this. I still wish that life was more happier and pretty. I am raising my three girls alone not the way it should be, however right now in life that is how it will be. I wish for the day that marriage will approach me, and await the day that I will be a happy family. My love comes from inside and shines out as best can for the kids in my life. Yet behide the closed doors I hide and cry out inside. Life is complicated right now with a kinda dead beat father of three, and with a guy who truly loves me and would do anything for me I see. My life is like a rollercoaster yet, for none around to help me to stand high and stay ahead. Calling me psyco and drama instead. I hide within myself to cover my face. With a father of the three denying one and all. Yet I knowing the truth behind them all. Another man outstepping his very own limits would walk every path just to accept all of us as his own and would love to give us a home. Although in my heart my soul is deep and and sad. Crying out loud is what I know best and right now my inner soul needs a rest. Your heart and soul knowing how you love him but life making you feel like you are drowning instead. To suffer like this I bare to noone. I pray that you will not be stuck in this path ever in any day. My love goes deep but mind washes it all away. Then gems like stars shimmer n shine in the way when I see this guys beauty inside. For now it just the three girls and myself, putting life up high on the shelf to look at and see right now and approach life from a new slate for today. I wish sometimes it were just me looking into a picture i had, that I would not see all the evil and bad that we had. I could shut the door and walk on ahead but from here life right now does not look good out this door.
Eyelids flutter within the thoughts of the night. Shadows crawl across the wall. Evil lurks around the senses of me. I run in anguish and fear. Completely tired and wornout i turn to you in trust of help. Eyes fluttering and closing fast. This night around me will not last. Awaiting the time till my life has faith. When things look up and filled with life. Gotta keep my eyes open and not face the dark. The days ahead i have to hold up my head and stay free of blackness around me. Seeing the skin in thin thin layers. Heavy numb feeling engulfing my entire entity. Another sleepless night in the midst of my lifeless energy and very own being. Things gotta change or lifelessness will become my last path i know. Tears falling from the fluttering eyes. Which can not even see another good in sight.
Your one year older and another day sweeter today as you are turning five.
For two weeks and one day now the trio will be five, five and two
what’s that make you , you say…. yet another year older in one day.
Today you are five and still your big sister as well
your growing up girl and your real beauty is beginning to shine through. Just as your beginning to get used to being five your sister will be six and you will soon be again following in her very footsteps once more again. not far off years down the road you will then hit ten. Oh boy what will I do then. With each year ahead each year begins as a dread with two of you in the same stage whatever the case yet still another birthday and seeming every year like a race to be the first one there. Happy birthday girl.
This one was written for the love of my mother, I miss you mom.
Thursday, December 17, 2009 at 1:47am
Here I sit wondering how you are. With my eyes wide open I see all the secrets along the edges while I can not keep my thoughts from thinking about you, My heart full of tears and so many a tear. I pray each day within my heart for full recovery. I do not understand this mess amongst us. We’ve worked so hard to come this far to tear down the wals that we had built so high, and build us a bond for us to cherish for life. We’ve come so far to begin the relationship we’ve worked so hard at just begining to only have it torn away from under my feet. Leaving it far behind us as if it was never to be, and seeing nothing but empty felt space around and within me to just sit and wondering how you are. We can’t even talk the way we used to, and I trust noone else like I trusted you. Oh God… is this really the way it must be? I just am not seeing this, and it hurts so so bad. If there may be any will for this to remain and not be taken away I await on you in desprate relief knowing that this will not be the last breath I see. This was too much of a final surpise for me to face, I have and will always remain strong…but it feels so unreal like it is just a test or a learning game. Do not take this love from me that was just begining to leave it far behind. I will do anything to keep it here with me and always by myside. At least till I can really see face with this fact that you have put before me. Then only then to accept what I must upon this sorrow I feel and sadness that I see. Lord please don’t take this away from me. I am not yet ready, there is still so much I need to know and learn.This lord just can not be, this is something that I just do not agree. If this is your will and I may be wrong then settle my soul before it goes on even more too long. Once you have done that I plee from this day till that you may help me to help me see evenmore than I have now, for my love holds too srtong to let go of the bond that I once knew as once becoming strong as both ends had been longing for. Lord I would rather it be me, this just feels so not fair as it has been and has left me to travel this land. Take care of this burden I hold out to you. Do what you can do I pray to not make it true. I need this time lord, I am nowhere near ready you see. I need this time not only to find the lost but to see it within me also. I need to see me. PLEASE Lord God. Please. I pray and I plead do what you can to not take this from me not now not now I ask and I pary. I am just not ready to leave it behind. I feel as if I have failed and yet i believe that I haven’t but I am not ready God, I am not ready.
Legend has it you’re not real or are you yet
I may never know I seen your face before throughout my life
each and every time having more a sense of being and spirit one with you in quiet sence
Questions always turning within my mind of the mythological being you and your hidden times.
How beautiful and elegant you really are you have me wishing on your beauty from afar we are never near or if we are you hide so free and quietly watching in your own bliss
Are you really legend or no
they say ghosts are legend though the truth with that one I already know
they also say that the jersey devil and Sasquatch are legend too
well speak for themselves I say I have seen the jersey devil early in my day
not yet Sasquatch so I can not say as I also can not say much for you
though I wish that I could and that I could really know you
your hair how it waves so
your figure so perfect in every portrait or picture portrade of you
your skin and fin how smooth to the touch and elegant with a shine
your history loved for many at time around
how I so wish I could be like you
others say what is she talking about
She’s crazy I see
She’s speaking of something never meant to be
I am not speaking gibberish you see
I am speaking of the adventure and passion of something i have never seen
I am speaking pure beauty within a mystical mysterious life
Within a sea of great deep beauty’s beneath
I am speaking of the seeking of a creature of elegance and beauty with a fin so filled in jewel as beauty could truly decorate
I am speaking of nothing other than that of a simple and beautiful Mermaid you see.
Here in an unknown environment I sit and think. Life seemimng a bit more complicated with each waking light. My brain so smart it begins to hurt at times, my life so quiet I mellow within my own. I see a man I love so dear yet trulely knowing him within is so different still. It is like a different brand of shoes brand new…. You like them but when you go for the fit it just does not stand in. My minds a boggle in situations of life.Yet when I am near him my heart just continues to float. I know not now what hides beyond door number 3 for each move I take put me within another new journey of the unknown lands.
You’re all I ever think about, you’re my mind and soul.
You’re all I ever think about. You’re what makes me whole.
Your my light in the dark of the night. your my sun brining me a smile again.
You’re all I ever think about. My thoughts always growing nearer to you.
your my key into a life of the deep unknown.
My sand on a beach who continues me well and makes me known.
You’re my everything.
You’re my midnight’s dream.
Wherever you go I will follow.
Shall we never part or say goodbye.
Stay with us always each day till we die.
My love is larger and falling hard, I don’t want to fall too hard to hit the ground.
Pick me up and brush me off.
This life of ours i do not yet know but sone one day will never to be alone. I love you now and forevermore,
This little lady is ready to open the christmas door.
My dream only a glowing realm over my head. Turn it to magic and add in BELIEVE. This day will come as soon as it should.
There will be be nomore living in slum of the hood. Turn into tommorrow, and make us believe.
Don’t cry as I watch from the otherside wishing and hoping that this day will come, that together we become one in a true family.
Stars- Jan 14, 2011
stars that twinkle in the sky
Stars that lay across the sky
Stars that shine so bold and bright
Stars that glisen in the night.
Stars of jesus birth above
stars that show the way for us in love
Stars that lead us in the directions bound
Stars that shimmer throughout the town
Here we are sitting beneath them
Gazing into eaches eyes
souly perfect in ones gaze yet life around us like a maze
Yet no matter how easy or tough things seem
one special thing always remains.
You my dear are heaven sent
down to me to make me happy
You lil one are forever my special shining star.
whispering winds traveling by.
whisping throughout the branches and trees.
Blowing on in like a spirit floating by.
With icy cold breeze bringing chills to your spine.
Headaches rush in…in the middle of the night.
Tears drowning you within your eyes.
All this really no big surprise.
With an uneasy sense of a hush blanketing the sky.
My eyes filling like they want to cry.
My heart beeting wild like a raging wild bull.
giving at chance for that special glance.
Hands nose and mouth loosing full sense of things to do.
My world crashing hard upon this place thay call earth.
before my rest falls short again.
hands trembling at this fear, that no one’s left for me to hear it or see you.
Rapid pulses with every breathe.
Feelings of hope of nothing left…
a door closes with this wind while another is open leaving open for the small gap of sunlight to shine to beeming in,
Not a drop or ray or a drop of pure light just tears of rays seeping the night.
Here I am drowning in this place called life.
All around me living on edge or uderground.
Tears falling like rain umongst my face from my eyes.
Holding in my heart this lifeless love of one flame of hope holding me here.
Wising each day that we’d honestly get there.
Feeling unsure with nothing but breeze entering through this wide open door.
My emotions high and heavey ready to cry again of the tears which just won’t stop.
Life holding me in one locked in place unable to find the button of release.
Hope running slim to none, yet somehow still holding on.
Thinking each day of a new tomorrow, a better tomorrow.
drowning within myself filling my very lungs i breath with filling them with fluid that won’t disperse anywhere.
Living this lifeless love, the only love i now know.