I can’t help but sit here and think of the time that I had my one chance at going to the Grand Ol’ Opry
I had no idea at the time how old and how well known this one building was then. But with much of my life torn beneath my feet in life as it is now.
I always replay the Grand Ol’ Opry day in my head again and again. It was just like any other performance held there that day and what happened would have been nothing but ridiculous and stupid to everyone around that day. But in our family it was a day our family will always replay and replay because even though what happened was so stupid that day. In our family it was hysterical in every stupid yet funny way. You see my mom was never keen on being funny or having much of a sense of humor. Yet the performance that day just totally blew her away and amongst thousands of people around that very day in the grand ol’ Opry during the middle of just any known performance it just happened to be this one this very day. One not so hilarious funny soul…. my mom jumps from her seat in that big fully packed sold out theatre that day jumping up onto her feet raises her arm into the mix of the crowds and screams as loud as her not so loud voice would carry saying YeeeeeeHAWWW and like to not even embarrassed herself this made our entire family there that day laugh like never else before at and with her as those who knew my mom knew there wasn’t much of a sense of humor or even a funny bone within her body. That was our most fun and funniest day ever. So amongst all the clutter within my life now I can’t help but to stray away from my stress and back to this very odd day there at the Grand Ol’ Opry just to have just one very giggle brought back from history and time within this very past life of mom yelling yeeehawww amongst all the crowd of people there at the Grand Ol’ Opry.
It wasn’t much but it was an opening step for her as she also stayed subtle and pulled back as she wasn’t very social with herself either so she came out of her very own turtle shell that day. This is one memory that to this day still continues to bring a simple smile to my face even when she isn’t here and it’s what I have left of her now today.
I sit in this wild loud room with many different thoughts and dofferent conversations going on in every direction of the room. Not one more standing out then the other.
Noise levels raising and falling like heavy drops of rain
As I sit here listening not rwally ease dropping on one one subject or another just listening to what people are saying
In the other ear the studio music plays “Didn’t we almost have it all”
Just taking all around me in is making me really realize how different this world has become and how so many things have just changed over the years.
When the world almost had it all in life in a time when you were safe. In a time when you could put yoir trust in all around and almost everything and anyone was known to be good.
Now looking back and seeing all the evil and shame which has over taken humanity and earths name. With violence and guns involved somehow in almost everything makes me see how I realize I can see them saying Didn’t we almost have it all? When the world was once a better place? When life was once something to look forward to and once something worth living.
Didn’t we almost have it all, but then in a sudden moment all that and everything was taken away as if swiped from beneath our various sized feet. Now I see what the world has become today and I say didn’t we almost have it all couldn’t we be doing a better thing? Looking forward to Sunday on the coming on the thirteenth they have a national subway thing for a special subway event where everyone rides the subways with “No pants Sunday” or how about the event seen in Philly “Nude Bike Day” and this is excepted okay by many of the world around. Honestly. I gotta ask what has this nation, government, and world come to? Didn’t we almost have it all? Living in this world today has just become unsafe and pure crazy.
As I look over your life i’ve seen you within me
I sort throughout old pics of the special times between you and I
I come to one specific photo
One photo that I took of you while we were at the park noticing a glow on your body as if you had an aura or something around you
Looking a bright radiant as if light were shining off your body as if it was then that you jad first gainied your angel wings
I’ll never know maybe that day was the day that you gained your angel wings and it all just took times for you to fade and die from the illness you had claimed but either way the more I look over your life the morw that I see you within me and see how lucky I was to have you as a mother to me.
My life may never be the same again with you not here by my side I know
Making me each year miss all the closeness we had as mother and daughter now that your gone
However not forever
For I know that one day will come when I will see those wings as your very own wings you have fully grown and gained
I was just lucky to have seen the beauty of you being given the welcoming of that honor that very day
Your radiance is so over powering and radiant in this one photo a tearlet fills my eye just to see it
Evenmore showing the beauty of you within me.
There is just somthing more about that photo that day it just speaks louder than any words could say
Fully showing out your own true beauty
A life we live we always are trying to make right and find a beat. Yet many a time it’s cut short and ripped righr from bwneath our feet
Even the best of the best, and the best we can be gets torn up and taken away
How do we fight our lives when they are drawn beneath within cold bloods set free.
We don’t have to be a marine or in the army to be the best that we can be
We can find that alone in our own life journey
I’m not saying we all live on easy street
Nor am I saying life is easy by any means
I do know however that it’s always tearing apart at the seams.
Life is almost always twisted, not fair and a huge dismay.
Even when we live hour by hour and day by day knowing that tomorrow could be our last and final day
Living to be the best we can be in everything and every way.
When the world takes away what was once ours by blood and by roots as if it ment nothing to bring shame itself into life’s crazy twisted game.
It’s just not fair by any means
When the world takes and tears apart our blood and dreams.
Feeding us our last breath without even any warning at times, yet other times subtlety forshowing us to help us make the outcome change but at times we just dont understand until afterwards it’s just too late
It’s then that you’ve begun to see and understand the form of reality now lying in your very own hand
Many a time they try to make things right
it’s good women and men
Children and friends
Who’ve always been there
Been a friend
Held your hand throughout till the end
The good people that make the world a better place
A safer place
The type of people who think with their minds and not by bullets, or guns or a forbidden thought of gaining a fight
The type of people who earn, show and gain respect
As they fight deep in silence of their own given mind with hospital s and doctor’s caling them crazy
Locking them secluded from all other lives and saying that their mad and they have no friends.
When truths be told they are not crazy as said. They are thinking straight, properly picking their friends and unlike many to most doing exactly what they should be doing…using their heads as meant given by God himself.
Another good man taken and gone with spirits in the wind.
Thoughts inspired by a good man gone to soon by the wrongs of bad men who cared none.
For my dear friend Alex Linville
You will be held forevermore, yet also missed at each new coming year and all years thru.
Hanging small and silent hidden within the framework of a door or mantle
A holiday tradition never passed a moment on
Hiding usually unnoticed and snuck away in the corner to surprise someone when they’d least expect it
A favorite durong the christmas season
I must say not a tradition I have gotten to have probably since I was maybe thirteen
Not because I have chosen not to. But more because I have not had that special someone to.
However if I had I must be honest even then he would have be second kiss instead
As I think of that kuss under the mistletoe now
If I had a mistletoe to share
I would have to say I would want that special kiss right now to be shared with my daughter’s right now who are and make up my everything in life right now. Sarah would be my first with all her health at hand, then Brie my first born oldest example of the three and Jaimie my baby now of age four
Although I woild like to be able to look forward to somwthing more under the mistletoe
I couldn’t ask for anything more
These children of mine are my life
They are the begining of my futures
My new family
My new family history
My new learned family traditions to be made
I prefer to give my mistletoe kisses to them this year instead
You’d give your life for this child you bore
Yet right now you cant do much more.
Not knowing this disease hand in hand
Not even an understanding of what is still to come
How do I even face something of the unknown hidden in disguise
There is not even one thing I could even lend ideas to have toward this hidden frame work beneath her flesh and skin
One day all is well
All is okay
But any second or given moment everything could all change
What will the change bring
Answers I can not even say because
Below her skin is deep mystery
She is and always be my daughter
I just dont even know what to do or how to help her
I feel inside that one day maybe this disease will be no easy thing as it’s never been before; however this time it will be much much more so mich more than ever before
With talks of bone and marrow and transfusion in so many other children who are worse than her
My child who is still one year new to this specific disease layed on her life
I’m really okay knowing that she is facing a serious disease which God chose me to see, but I just wish I had more to understand and so much more to give
So many questions
So many answers in the search list
Prayers being sent twenty four seven
For one more good year to be added on to her life still
I dont even know if this will one day take her tiny hand from me but I know that is an underlying possibility
I just wish I could see her beneath the skin of possibility so I’d better be able to search the answers and know better what to give to help her the way that she may need
I can not see into her body to know what’s happening or what she may need
I can not give help for what I do not even understand it’s all just mystery lying below
As we just await for the opening and closing of the next chapter of her doors
But no matter how bad she may feel she always has a smile to portray as she continues to pull it thru
as she proclaims…”Mommy it’s okay…you’ll see it’s not my time to leave I dont want to leave…I want to stay”
My little girl never a faded smile
She carry’s her smile everywhere all the time
She knows the Angel she is deep inside
She knows how important she is to be here with me and I am not afraid for I know she is okay and safe
it’s all still the same I wish I understood so much more for her and knew just how the best I could better help her
No matter what she is still my tiny little girl
It tears my heart apart.
A state of mind I can not comprehend inside
A state I used to live and love
While I went to school away from a home
Where I called since my very own childhood
A state that I once met many a face that I could call a friend now a place where you have to never turn your head and keep peering over your shoulder instead
Hard to believe this breaking news I see…
This was not the state I had chose to stay and study and learn in my life back then.
This was somewhere I truly thiught about prayed about and missed for years. Now torn apart down deep into everyone’s hearts
Filling their eyes with tears
Making them hold tight their very own little ones hands and hugs so much more tighter instead. While crying out their hearts and eyes for all those innocent lives with their very own hearts for both. Reminding themselves and saying…That could have been mine instead.
In memory of those affected by the tragedy of Sandy Hook Elementary School, CONNECTICUT
One grey dreary morning
Silent as the night
The breeze blowing across your face as clouds float by
The waves crash like thunder upon the drifting boat that is carrying me.
I am a ship lost at sea
Unsure if which direction I take
My life I follow unbound
At anytime I could just begin to drowned
Following no real turns
Following no maps
Following no direction in life
Just living as I drift
Doing best I can with one ore pulling me by
Yet even the best I get doesn’t pull along smooth
The best I can which is working for me is not at all working for our economy
What do you want from me
Do you not understand I am throwing out all my anchors I have
I am giving all that I have got to make all ends meet safe
I am giving out my everything that I can to keeps these waters from taking me down
If the best is not best then what is it that you expect.
I shall never give any less to help my children and I to survive
That would take everything away from what everyone wants for them
That would be effortless and too easy and not the way meant for safety
Sorry economy but I do not agree
I will not rip my family of what effort I can already put out to survive and protect what is rightfully my own.
You can makes the as rough as youd like and try to tear me down; however you shall not break my ore and crumble me down
I shall ride this rough see for as long as I can until it shall kill me
No matyer how hard you try to sink and drown me I by my will shall continue to float high.
Eventually in God’s due time I will find my path along the way that will lead me and guide me in the direction that I am meant to take
So I will continue to stand my ground and hold my achors down
You of the world
You of the secular realm
You will not break me down no matter how hard you try.