Teach Me Your Laws

The real truth’s of (Me)
This is a great place to give more details about me, as the Webmaster. I could give personal information about my family, my job, my education, and my hobbies and interests; however instead I’d just like to start by telling you the truth’s about me. My thruth’s basicly formed my testimony of truth about the man called Jesus. He saved my life and turned me around. For that I thank him. I will start by writing you this letter.
To those who care;
I know that you all have your own opinions and thoughts about me, but I need to tell you now. No-one knows me better than myself. I will tell you my truth’s and put it to you this way. You all have heard and know through my life I have been hurt and abused. At times I have been the one to hurt. I have done many things and have made many wrong decissions in my past. This I admit to. Yet I would ask that you not put me down, or critisize, or condem me for my mistakes. That’s exactly what they were. They have made me who I have become they have taught me the things which I have needed to learn and experience to see my truths. No-one can help someone learn something. They can only show them and help them know the way to teach it to them. However, a pupil needs to learn and experience something on his/her own to know and understand it. In time they will begin to see for themselves, and they will than begin to grow and mature. Now having said all that; I can say the horror I don’t like to bring out but know that if and when I do it helps me to heal, grow and mature in myself as well. As it may speak to others who have been through similar.

I was a young girl like you. As a child at the age of 3 I was molested. Later in life as I began to grow and mature, I became very shy and fearing in some ways, yet in other ways not. I then became a high school teen and made many wrong decissions and was rebellious a bit more than other teens didn’t care what my parents said out of fear of being raped, beaten, or killed by a guy if I decided to say “no” this was my fear because my first time that I had ever had sex was a date rape which I had been through that took my verginity. I could never talk in depth fully to anyone about this for many years out of fear of the result. 1994 I went to National Youth Confrence (NYC “94) where my life changed and I changed and most of all I had gotten saved. I had listened to a women speaker who spoke on sex,drugs and date rape she was the only one I felt called to listen to even as Oliver someone who I had met at the conference still continued to rebel to the conference and kept trying to do our usual of having a conversation during the mandatory speaker as to us it was purely boring, well until this one speaker. She had all the right words and topics to grab my attention and make me feel like she was talking just to me. I kept telling Oliver to hush and listen. He questioned me and said “you’re kidding me right, since when are you interested in this bullshit stuff” I turned to him and said I dunno, since it is actually good choice of topic as this women spoke she invited anyone to join in a national youth conference anointing service as she brought it to close. I had never had one or even knew what it was they were talking about but something was calling me to take pry in it. So when the service began I stood up and walked all the way down from the very top of this college stadium down to the bottom and stood scared in front of the person doing the anointing feeling like I’d be criticized for what I was about to do but I knew that I was being called to my duty to do this. The anointer said some words to me though all I can remember is god be with you and bless you as they anointed my forehead with a cross. Uncontrolled weak within me I just collapsed and could not move crying uncontrollably with peace as I felt the Holy Spirit baptize me as well running throughout my body straight from my forehead to my toes. I was crying and at peace at the same time but unable to move they took me to a prayer tent where a pastor spoke with me telling me “God loves you no matter your sins” then he asked me to tell him what was bothering me and what was I feeling that God was speaking to him that I’ve sinned and been hurt. This is where I opened up for the first time ever and he told me when you return home you need to tell your family and your pastor what you have just told me “your faith testimony” so when I returned to my church after the confrence, I had spoke with the pastor about becoming a baptized member of the church. So I went through the membership class and got baptized into the church. To go through the membership class you had to turn something over to God for him to take from you for you to grow. You had to turn over three things to give unto him. So for my vows which I had given to my God. I had said Lord, for my vows to you I would like to turn over my smoking and drinking, my cursing, and my act of sex. If I had thought about it at the time I would have turned my abuse over as well, to free myself of the guilt and pain. Although I didn’t. I don’t like my past, nor do I like who I was but I have survived and seen my faults, my mistakes, in myself which allow me to fall and sin. I have begun to learn many of my weaknesses but only through my own experiences, and my own stories.
The first time I had ever experienced sex was NOT in sex ed; cause I never had that course, it was in experience. I have grown, survived, matured, and made it through a tough life. From a series of rapes, 1 beating a couple of stalkings as well as a random sexual phone abuser. I had remained a victim for many of my teen years through most of my life. Not seeing anything of my teen years. Only seeing what would not blind me. A lot of my teen life I was numb unable to understand myself, my choices and my actions. Through growing up I have been able to finally begin to open up about everything. Slowly begining in 1994 at NYC when I first talked with someone after holding it within myself for over 5 yrs. starting at home confiding in my brothers I spoke first to them asking them still not to say anything that it had to be said by me when I was ready. Then later with my parent’s. All this then helping me to begin to heal and see and learn more about myself, my life, my future and my present. Also begining to help me to feel my emotion again, and not be so numb to everything. I have learned and been wittness to myself and of myself. I have seen my falls and my highs and while experiencing life have also experienced myself. I know my past looks bad but in reality it’s just a tiny part to my big finale of who I will be when I get to my finish line of life. To the women I have finally become. To the women God had planned me to be. Yet knowing I may take a while to get there through my choices in life, and the dessicions I chose to make, and will make. I suffered in many ways… stumbling many obsticles. All in all my biggest lesson I have learned over the years of horror time and time again which brought me to salvation; is to always open up to those around you and always be honest about all in your life, no matter how hard it may be do not hide anything because in the end it will only bite you back. So now I try my best nolonger to live in the flesh by having sex. Before I even get into a relationship I open up and am honest with a guy before the guy even has the chance to fall in love with me. This was how I met OneSoulJourney at the time Fordmustang in the test of survival in Yahoo messenger chat room prayer pal friends in a test of faith now 33 years later after I told him over the phone I was not going allow myself to trust him or get close to him I try to live for Christ more because he pulled me up from the wreckage of all my hard times and complications, and was faithful by showing me the way and reguiding me. I guess we did for each other because I saved him that night from suicide. Yet, all Christians get misguided and back slide, and again I admitt that at times I have. These were the things I needed to learn on my own. Although in your eyes you will only see peices of my life and percieve it as you will. Only I know the truth about who I am and what my life was like. When and if I feel compfortable sharing it and talking about it with others then I will. Although I have slipped at times. I am not afraid or ashamed to be honest. Jesus was. So now I am being honest with everyone so that they don’t see me hiding in my old mask anymore. Everything happens for a reason. If I can be a survivor so can others who experience similar things. At the right time in his own time my faults will be judged by one judge, and one judge alone. My faults will become miracles and blessings. So to conclude I’d ask you not to judge me and to say Thank you for being my friends during my life here on this place called earth. Lots of love. Thanks!

The History or Story Behind My Site
I have created this site out of love for Jesus Christ who gave his life for me to live. Also out of lots of kindness and caring for other teens who may not know the man they call Jesus. I have seen Gods face and I know his story is alive. So I will do all in my power to show christ’s love through me. So that it may shine on others around and near me.

Trials and Temptations
James 1 Vrs.2-7, & 12-18 NIV Bible 2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. 12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 13When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. 16Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers. 17Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 18He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created

Psalm 119:64 (King James Version)

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The earth, O Lord, is full of thy mercy: teach me thy statutes.

All the earth is God’s devine creation and all in it is given full of God’s mercy teach me the rules of that of God’s fully his 💕love

I Have Never Been…

I have never been miss congeiniality, miss popularity, not even prom queen.

I have been in pagent’s, plays,battle of the bands and commuinty theaters, but never popular in any means.

Miss popularity, the singer, and miss USA have always been just that…dreams

You may look at my friends list and say “WOW, LOOK AT HER” She’s gotta be miss popular

but amazingly I never have been

I do have many friends, but that is just my memory of who and what good people who have touched my life in one way or another imprinting their trust, love, hope and pure generosity just for me to be able to reach out and touch me and my heart.

Miss popularity is okay but I have become happy today with just being me and finding my way in the truth that I made me this way. I became who I wanted to be that was suit just for me.

I created my inner piece of mind

I couldn’t do it without those people in my life who I entrust and can proudly call my friends to be able to send out those proper friend requests

It’s not all dazzle everyone believes but it is what each one makes of it. This is the true me.  

Faded Darkness

Faded by darkness night after day

going to darkness fading away

blinded by sight  mar and mar

today is trembling the night away

faded by darkness night after day

Going to darkness fading away

lost in the silence that stumbles my pathway

shadows all  amongst saying whispers with the wind

blowing silence by silence

bringing darkness my way

Broken And Forgotten Tears

Broken And Forgotten Tears

Given time it’s said it may return and all will be fine

in my heart I try to feel, see and believe

though I just don’t foresee it coming back to me

I fear this may be too real

for someone to one day know you inside and out and all the way around

yet then totally forget you as if you never were anything

others may not understand and may be okay with the new ways

Though for me this is too deep and too real to let go of for eternity

When one person means the world to me

yet has faded and drifted out of reality

I can not face or accept this

I can not make myself happy over this

I have given my entire life over this one person

I have spent every hour of everyday sharing writings and song with this person

to just sit back letting this person slip away and forget me as if I never even remained

I’d rather accept death than heartbreak an heartache

this rips my heart to pieces and tears me at it’s seams

I once shared everything with this person

they were my realities and my family

now they stare the unknown fear of strangers in my eyes

making black shadows form in my soul hidden in fear and tears fall from beneath my eyes.

I can not hide my fact of me sitting here beginning to cry

everything becoming erased and ripped from deep within every craves within me

feeling violated of all my secrets and personal things I entrusted within them as I once had

nothing left but a fearful blank stare making me sad and cry each broken tear.

broken and forgotten tears

left to flood any feelings still waiting to share once more that I may never see that day

This is the truth and the pain I can not face

Building Bridges To The Future… No Futures Ahead

Following into the new year

I sit here looking back into the face again of truth and despair

unanswered questions and hope currently not there

At almost forty my years should be settled and silent

yet still unsure what tomorrow will show my dreams unknown and my days unseen

I again feel the question coming to play of will marriage ever come find my way

Stuck inside seeing all the same walls

family neglect that will never release

handicaps which are visually unseen

a life that no one around me is able to see or believe

living in fear of what each corner will reveal

living a trap which I don’t ever see even releasing from wrapping around me

homeless and on the verge of loosing my own kids

for life which was given to me and not picked or chosen by actions I have made along my

own way

never knowing answers of what tomorrow shall bring

A  deep feeling of abandonment and ignorance from family as if I never even existed

no on looking toward the future as hope lies slim

as  I haven’t even seen a date with someone since I was twenty-one maybe at least

Not even a visit or someone to drop on in

each day my hopes dropping more slim in the sands

Will a day ever  hold a marriage ahead

I see no pathways building the bridges to the future

not even much of even a friend

My Future Unreal and Unseen

Tightening up my rein. I stay as tears fill my eyes.  Don’t they see that I am doing all that is fully within me. My heart may be fully loaded and have all enough to go and spread out anywhere. However my heart has been ripped and torn in many a way throughout my past out years. I am doing all I can set within me currently.  Don’t they see that this is me.

I’m not a hard out party person putting my life in behind me. This is me. This is what I live for each and everyday.

New things lay upon my plate. A man I like I have to rely on trust in truth for I can not see because he lives not near and too far away.

I believe in my heart but not too sure with my self securities.  Putting myself down and negative and hard on me is what I usually see. Yet a possitive person is really me.

Just harder on myself is where I remain weak.

I hope and pray for a true helpful lead in life that I may see the unseen which I feel shall never become a part of me. My future always seeming unreal and unseen.  A feeling as if it shall never be.

Love Never Fades Or Dies

Love never dies
Sometimes it hides tucked away deep inside
Pushed back away by scars and wounds hindering still deep within our lives
Yet the love binds us deep inside even with standing all given times
Even when we begin to try to move on ahead in life our love tugs and yanks at us pulling us back again were our strongest grip and hold binds us not to let go.
Even stress can’t always make our love die
In time it only sometimes makes us think we need to run away and hide just like the wounds and scars others have left behind
Holding tight to grip and embrassed and inter twined wrapped up in love is where we are to stay together in eachs arms to live a long health filled life
Together where we feel as one
Where we know we feel safe
Our love never dies
Sometimes it just takes lost roots or paths or runs down and hides inside
Like a turtle in a shell it locks deep wothin a hole to get away from the pain and scars inside
Yet it still even then will never fade or die
Love never fades or dies

The Story Of The Day At The Grand Ol’ Opry

I can’t help but sit here and think of the time that I had my one chance at going to the Grand Ol’ Opry
I had no idea at the time how old and how well known this one building was then. But with much of my life torn beneath my feet in life as it is now.
I always replay the Grand Ol’ Opry day in my head again and again. It was just like any other performance held there that day and what happened would have been nothing but ridiculous and stupid to everyone around that day. But in our family it was a day our family will always replay and replay because even though what happened was so stupid that day. In our family it was hysterical in every stupid yet funny way. You see my mom was never keen on being funny or having much of a sense of humor. Yet the performance that day just totally blew her away and amongst thousands of people around that very day in the grand ol’ Opry during the middle of just any known performance it just happened to be this one this very day. One not so hilarious funny soul…. my mom jumps from her seat in that big fully packed sold out theatre that day jumping up onto her feet raises her arm into the mix of the crowds and screams as loud as her not so loud voice would carry saying YeeeeeeHAWWW and like to not even embarrassed herself this made our entire family there that day laugh like never else before at and with her as those who knew my mom knew there wasn’t much of a sense of humor or even a funny bone within her body. That was our most fun and funniest day ever. So amongst all the clutter within my life now I can’t help but to stray away from my stress and back to this very odd day there at the Grand Ol’ Opry just to have just one very giggle brought back from history and time within this very past life of mom yelling yeeehawww amongst all the crowd of people there at the Grand Ol’ Opry.
It wasn’t much but it was an opening step for her as she also stayed subtle and pulled back as she wasn’t very social with herself either so she came out of her very own turtle shell that day. This is one memory that to this day still continues to bring a simple smile to my face even when she isn’t here and it’s what I have left of her now today.