This one was written for the love of my mother, I miss you mom.
Thursday, December 17, 2009 at 1:47am
Here I sit wondering how you are. With my eyes wide open I see all the secrets along the edges while I can not keep my thoughts from thinking about you, My heart full of tears and so many a tear. I pray each day within my heart for full recovery. I do not understand this mess amongst us. We’ve worked so hard to come this far to tear down the wals that we had built so high, and build us a bond for us to cherish for life. We’ve come so far to begin the relationship we’ve worked so hard at just begining to only have it torn away from under my feet. Leaving it far behind us as if it was never to be, and seeing nothing but empty felt space around and within me to just sit and wondering how you are. We can’t even talk the way we used to, and I trust noone else like I trusted you. Oh God… is this really the way it must be? I just am not seeing this, and it hurts so so bad. If there may be any will for this to remain and not be taken away I await on you in desprate relief knowing that this will not be the last breath I see. This was too much of a final surpise for me to face, I have and will always remain strong…but it feels so unreal like it is just a test or a learning game. Do not take this love from me that was just begining to leave it far behind. I will do anything to keep it here with me and always by myside. At least till I can really see face with this fact that you have put before me. Then only then to accept what I must upon this sorrow I feel and sadness that I see. Lord please don’t take this away from me. I am not yet ready, there is still so much I need to know and learn.This lord just can not be, this is something that I just do not agree. If this is your will and I may be wrong then settle my soul before it goes on even more too long. Once you have done that I plee from this day till that you may help me to help me see evenmore than I have now, for my love holds too srtong to let go of the bond that I once knew as once becoming strong as both ends had been longing for. Lord I would rather it be me, this just feels so not fair as it has been and has left me to travel this land. Take care of this burden I hold out to you. Do what you can do I pray to not make it true. I need this time lord, I am nowhere near ready you see. I need this time not only to find the lost but to see it within me also. I need to see me. PLEASE Lord God. Please. I pray and I plead do what you can to not take this from me not now not now I ask and I pary. I am just not ready to leave it behind. I feel as if I have failed and yet i believe that I haven’t but I am not ready God, I am not ready.